Date: 07 Oct 2009 11:14 pm Title: Chapter 1
I really like having the lyrics interspersed with your story. I love Josh Groban, and I already have this song in my Midnight Sun playlist. I feel, like you, that it fits what Edward thinks about Bella.
Some of your writing is almost poetical, which goes well with the song. But some of it is not. I like the poetical better.
One other thing. These are the correct words in the fifth stanza:
"I don't count my possessions.
All I call mine."
Date: 09 Jul 2009 11:30 pm Title: Chapter 1
I have just one question, in light of the horrible things you made those poor, helpless apostraphes do. Don't take this the wrong way, but is English your first language?
Author's Response: no actually its not, its galeic
Date: 09 Jul 2009 10:09 pm Title: Chapter 1
I like the idea, you just need to perfect it. For example, you leave off on the line, "I love Bella with all of my dead, un-beating heart, and from the thought of every other man, along with more than half the male population inside Forks, and even that mutt in La Push". If you want, I'll beta for you, just email me, okay?
Date: 09 Jul 2008 2:11 pm Title: Chapter 1
You have an abundance of unneccesary apostrophes, and I thought Edward sounded too simplified or forced.
Author's Response: yes, alot of people have said about the apostophes, I'm working on it, as for Edward, well we all have our own opinions, and we cant all be like stephenie meyer can we?
Date: 26 Jun 2008 3:09 pm Title: Chapter 1
I enjoyed the concept of this story.
However, your constant abuse of apostrophes is astounding. I agree with Nightrose; you need to find yourself a good beta-reader. There are a lot of authors on this site who will lend their services. As I stated before, you don't want to get off on the wrong foot. You've posted two stories in one day, both of which had misspellings in their titles.
All is not lost. You can go back and edit your stories. You are new here; it's not too late to learn from your mistakes. Don't be discouraged. Practice makes perfect.
Date: 26 Jun 2008 3:57 am Title: Chapter 1
Congrats on the Acceptance. I have been accepted in the same bunch, I'm in the June 30th group. This is really good, I like the way Edward compares his relation ship to a song, its so Edward like. He wallows and blames himself and everything riminds him of 'what he's done'. You should write one from Bella's PoV using another song.
Author's Response: thankyou, i might do when i can be bothered lol, i dont like writing as much as i do reading lol
Date: 26 Jun 2008 3:50 am Title: Chapter 1
I like the interspersing of the lyrics with Edward's thoughts. Only criticism I have is several obvious spelling/grammatical errors. The last line should be "nothing short of an angel", "shorter than an angel" has an entirely different meaning.